Living in a new lonely city, recovering from a traumatic relationship, working a new job in a toxic environment, battling depression and leaning on alcohol, cigarettes and antidepressants to get me through, I finally questioned – surely this isn’t what I came to this planet to do.

I was born in Kent in 1997, the youngest of three siblings. We grew up in a beautiful house in the countryside. I have happy memories of baking fairy cakes, climbing trees, and playing in mud while simultaneously refusing to wear trousers or anything that wasn’t pink. I had a total obsession with Elvis, though nobody knew where on earth that came from. That little girl knew what she was about, and she didn’t need anyone’s permission to express herself exactly how she wanted.

When I turned 8, I went off to boarding school like my sister and brother before me. At first I coped, excited to be following in their footsteps, and then the lights went out. I recall begging my parents to be allowed home on the weekends, only to be told no – this is just how things are done. Looking back now, I can’t blame them – it is exactly what happened to them. Every 3 weeks we were allowed out, but even at home I feel I struggled to find my place. My mother and sister would spend the days riding, and my father and brother shooting or other ‘boy stuff’, often leaving me at home alone.

As I struggled through the first 5 years of school, the pink dresses faded to black jeans and dark hoodies. The teachers used to tell me – ‘smile, the wind might change’. I isolated myself from the other children, and was known for kicking boys if they came anywhere near me.

Secondary school at 13 was an exciting prospect as it was closer to home, but in reality it was out of the fat and into the fire. I was bullied by all the Londoners for being a country bumpkin, and learned that I was inferior to them. Struggling on for 3 years, I developed issues with self-harm and controlling my food.

Finally at 16 I was allowed to move schools again and I found a boarding school I adored far away from Kent school memories, in Dorset. Before university I took a Gap Year, where I fell in love with the therapy of backpacking. But then, after a year and a half of studying biochemistry at a top university I dropped out and moved in with my boyfriend only to find myself stuck in a turbulent and emotionally damaging relationship. Needless to say my parents were beside themselves with my life decisions, and our relationship was equally stormy.

A couple of years passed, and thank heavens the boyfriend cheated on me, giving me an obvious exit. I moved to London to rebuild my life and continue my budding career as a chef.

And so to rock bottom – and the turning point of my journey…

Feeling exhausted and broken, knowing that there must be another way, I chose to move back in with my parents in Kent. I could no longer accept that I had to take pills, shut up, and carry on. It was time to be more proactive with my life.

I spent time with my parents, rebuilding our frayed relationships, and took a chef job nearby. I saved up as much as I could that summer and went off for some much-needed backpacking therapy in September 2019. Little did I know that I’d be meeting my now-husband in Bali within months!

When Covid hit in 2020 I jumped on a plane back to England. I couldn’t travel, and I couldn’t work in a restaurant… so I returned to my long-term dream of studying Nutritional Therapy. Despite struggling with extreme anxiety during the pandemic, I finished my degree and set up my business in 2023. I was particularly passionate about the role of diet and lifestyle in mental health, and was looking forward to sharing an approach that didn’t request quiet submission and pharmaceutical dependence.

But even with all my freedom and qualifications, I found life challenging and anxiety-filled. In hindsight, my family put a lot of value on hard work, so it is only natural that I believed my self-worth to be related to my financial achievements. I threw myself into work with little reward as is so typical in the early days of a new business. Yet with the searing guilt that I wasn’t making money, I worked even harder and beat myself up daily, soon finding myself paralysed by burnout.

Again, hit with a realisation that there must be a better way to go through life, a friend suggested the Hoffman Process to me. As soon as I looked into it, I knew I had to go.

There is so much of the Process that I can hardly remember. We went through a LOT! But I emerged from it feeling rejuvenated. It was no magic wand, but I let go of so much baggage that week, and I still use the tools it gave me every day.

The foundational idea of the Quadrinity, the separation of our beings into four parts: body, intellect, emotional self, and spiritual self, immediately shifted my perspective on life. Learning that emotions are not me, but only a part of me; that we all have an ever wise spiritual self to call on if we allow the space to connect; that we don’t have to allow a racing mind turn our emotional selves into an anxious stew; that our bodies matter as much as the other parts of the ‘Quad’. And that caring for each of these parts is essential for the wellbeing of the whole.

It’s over a year on from my Process and I can see that the gift of Hoffman just keeps on giving. I gradually started to question the beliefs and patterns that I hold, realising that I can release and take on more positive beliefs any time. I come from a very traditional patriarchal family and through that environment I decided my self-worth was dependent on how people judged me, and how productive I was. Realising that I no longer had to follow this belief has been a game changer!

At some point in my life, I learnt that feelings were not to be expressed, but instead squashed down, while we carry on with a brave face. This led to such internal conflict that I would often find myself engulfed by depression or anxiety. I now know this was my emotional self shouting to be heard. Re-establishing my relationship with my emotional self has been critical to my recovery. Emotions are signals from my inner self and I need to listen to her with love. That doesn’t mean she gets to take the reins though!

The inner people pleaser in me, the one who wanted everyone to like her, to blend in, to not trouble anyone – at her own expense – she has also left the building. I’m much more comfortable with who I am, and who gets to tell me my boundaries and value (spoiler: me, only!). As a result, I feel I’m now walking through the world with SO much more confidence, love and authenticity. No more being manipulated, feeling guilty for being me, or victimising myself. I have my old spark back.

And now that I have found my new balance, there is much more space to smell the roses. My word for this year is MAGIC. For me, that means reconnecting with the epic pink loving Elvis queen that I was, expressing myself through my clothes, not giving away my power to other people’s judgements. But it is also the smaller things: taking time each morning to journal with a cup of cacao; smiling at the barista; cooking a delicious meal; watching the sunrise/sunset, buying myself a bunch of (pink) roses. The more I lean in, the more magic I see, and it is gorgeous.

And having developed a more relaxed attitude to life, I finally feel that I am starting to flourish and express myself through my work. I found the confidence to dream and to set goals (the pre-Process version of me would have laughed myself out the building). I work mostly with women in their fertile era, helping them to regain their power and a love for their body. Many want help conceiving, but I have come to believe that fertility goes far beyond baby making: a fertile woman is a woman in her power, boundlessly creative and able to nurture the world around them.

Beyond this, my newfound capacity and energy has drawn me to start working with cancer patients. Heavy, perhaps; but I know that I now have the grounding, the confidence, and the trust in myself to take this challenge. I pour my love for life, for food, for science, and everything I learnt at the Process into helping my clients.

I also now host monthly women’s circles, a feat that would have been unimaginable to pre-Process me! They are safe, nurturing spaces where we meditate, share, and connect with our bodies through food that I’ve lovingly cooked.

I’m so lucky that I came to the Process at the relatively young age of 27. I’ve long had a sense that quick fixes are just plasters, and that anything worthwhile in life takes deeper work, investment and effort. I could have the healthiest diet and lifestyle in the world but if I don’t care for my inner terrain, my physical wellbeing will inevitably suffer. As I said, the Process was not a magic wand, but it has been an integral part of this deep work for me.

—-

For more about Helena’s holistic approach to health, visit: www.nourishandbe.co.uk or follow Helena on Instagram: @nourishandbe.uk